Exterminate Feral Youth

History has shown us that it's very dangerous to upset the natural ecological balance. For example, when the Chinese virtually exterminated their native starlings back in the 1960s, all sorts of nasty insects and pests - creatures that would otherwise have been eaten by the starlings - became rampant and destroyed crops, leading to famine. Similarly, unless Scottish deer are periodically culled and turned into Waitrose Venison Burgers, it's been proved that they breed at an exponential rate and destroy their own habitat.

With this in mind, in my opinion we should re-examine the ways in which the Welfare State deals with retired people. In days goneby, of course, old hags were simply cast out by their families on account of their being too smelly and toothless. As a result, said hags were forced, by necessity, to build gingerbread houses in the middle of forests, wear black, pointy hats, and eat children. Today, however, these same people receive pensions and, in many cases, are housed and fed by local authorities. They therefore no longer have proper incentives to eat children. Consequently we are now suffering a plague of FUCKING WORTHLESS YOUTH.

Look at any town or city. It's impossible to walk down the street without encountering at least a couple of dozen of these spotty, long-haired, incomrehensible, manner-less, hood-wearing, lager-swilling, McDonald's chewing little SHITS.

Restore the natural balance, say I. Empty the old people's homes. Eventually the pensioners' instinct will assert itself once more and they will return to their natural forest habitat and Youth-predatory activities. In fact it might be an idea, at first, to supply them with custom-made witch costumes and enchanted houses just in case - like today's Eskimos who've lost their igloo-building skills - they've temporarily forgotten the modus operandi. Then again, they may have to dramatically re-think the way in which they go about entrapping Youth. In the days of Hansel and Gretel, it was enough to build a moderately sized cottage out of gingerbread bricks and equip it with liquorice doorknockers. The filthy, disgusting, verminous children would succumb to their own greed and could then be lured inside with relative ease and quickly cooked. Today, though, it would probably be necessary to build somewhat more substantial structures using "brand name" and "designer" ingredients, otherwise the cretinous modern Youth, whose existence is effectively defined by this kind of crap, simply wouldn't be interested. So, for example, you might need to create the external walls from Pepsi Max cans adorned with Ecstasy tablets, while the doors and their adornments would have to be made from a mixture of Chicken McNuggets and M&Ms. And so on - the whole lot sponsored by Reebok or Adidas.

Whatever, with the geriatrics released back into the wild once more, the numbers of FUCKING YOUTHS would quickly plummet. Thus England would once again become a green and pleasant land.