Tuesday, December 09, 2008

My Visit to Santa Claus

Today I went to visit Santa Claus in his Christmas grotto in Port Charlotte shopping mall and took the opportunity to present a lengthy list of demands. These included an i-Pod, a new food processor, and an Acer Netbook with integral webcam.

Santa asked me if I'd been good this year, basically implying that delivery of the items was contingent upon an answer in the affirmative. Unfortunately, I had to confess that there have been a few lapses. In particular, the fact that I lust after our local vicar, Cate, and that I recently shagged a PR woman, told her that I'd call her again the next day, but never did. I've therefore probably blown it (as regards receipt of the Netbook, anyway).

What I'd like to know is why Santa can't be more like Jesus, given that they're both representatives of the same holiday. If Jesus multi-tasked as an airborne present deliverer as well as a Son of Man, I could have confessed my peccadilloes to Him, said I was sorry, and then been granted absolution. Consequently, I'd have been guaranteed my Christmas presents (after the requisite number of Hail Marys, anyway). But, for whatever reason, Santa Claus doesn't function like this, so I'm fucked.

I suppose one very good reason why Santa doesn't is that, to qualify as a sin forgiver, he'd first have to be crucified. Then again, inconvenient though this is at the time, you only have to do it for the weekend and are thereafter guaranteed to rise again on the third day with all the advantages that this conveys. And as Santa always wears a thick, red jacket and big, red woolly hat with a bobble on the end, the associated scourging and crowing with thorns wouldn't be overly uncomfortable. So why doesn't he go for it?

Possibly because, if Santa did start absolving all sins, his workload would be vastly increased. This is because he'd now have to deliver presents to all those people (possibly an extra billion or so) who'd been bad from January through mid-December, but had suddenly repented at the last moment. His team of flying reindeer wouldn't be able to cope with the extra payload. And, of course, with Santa now preoccupied being a Light of the World, Jesus would no doubt start nipping into shopping malls and asking children what they wanted for Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I find the thought of a 30something bachelor cuddling little boys and girls on His knee highly suspicious, if not actually repugnant.

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