Sunday, December 21, 2008

Moving Lips

This morning I have been reading the holy Qur'an and various hadeeths (or ahdithah, if you want to be overly pedantic). The reason that I've been doing this is because I'm a bit confused by a few aspects of the conversion-to-Islam process and how they might apply in certain atypical circumstances.

As you're probably aware, conversion is, on the face of it, at least, quite straightforward. All you have to do is recite the shahadah in Arabic ("I attest that there is no god but 'Allah ….", etc. etc) three times and you're in. You can then start doing a Cat Stevens and dress like a Slough minicab driver, or wear a burqah and get yourself honour-killed for not marrying some 80 year old Pakistani, or whatever else takes your fancy.

But (and this is where my extensive research has failed me) what happens if you're a professional ventriloquist who hears a sudden call to 'Allah, mid-act? If you recite the shahadah while you've got the dummy on your knee and your hand up its arse, operating its mouth, does the dummy get converted simultaneously? Or, since you're not actually visibly moving your lips (leastways, you shouldn't be if you're any sort of half decent ventriloquist) is it only the dummy that ends up a Muslim, leaving you as a vile kafir?

I imagine an Islamic ventriloquist's dummy poses quite a few theological problems, too. At least, someone like Ray Alan's Lord Charles would. This is because he's a fairly lifelike figurine, and might therefore go against Islamic teaching which forbids figurative and pictorial representation of the human form. So how would the Muslim faithful regard the newly Islamicised mannequin? As a fellow believer or a blasphemous abomination that needed a good stoning? Unfortunately, it's not something that the Qur'an or any of my Islamic sources can make clear.

I suppose Roger de Courcey has it easier with Nookie Bear. At least he clearly is a bear and so people can't bitch about him being blasphemous if he converts (unless he subsequently comes on with a turban with a bomb in it and does some sort of Prophet Muhammad skit). But the one who has it easiest, of course, is Shari Lewis. Her "Lamb Chop" is quite clearly just a sock. So if she converts to Islam mid-act, she'll end up with a perfectly acceptable Muslim sock. No-one can object to that.

Then again, you might want to have to have a separate sock draw for Muslim socks. If you didn't, and you put the wrong one on a Christian or a Zoroastrian sock, say - and you then did your two rakaat, your sock (or you) might go to Hell. And if you washed your sock, which you'd probably have to do five times a day (and in a separate washing machine from everyone else's socks), you probably wouldn't be able to use any sort of washing powder that claimed to wash "whiter than white." This is because, being a Muslim sock, it would arguably already be in the highest state of purity. So even if it honked a bit, you'd have to leave it be.

There must be an Imam somewhere round here who can put me right on all of this.




Ashadu an La illaha ill Allah, ashadu ana Muhammadan Rasul-lu-lah

9 comments:

Michael said...

Just testing the comment function here.

K.McEgan said...

Il ha'am du l'il eh.The dummy wasnt created by Allah so it wouldnt be part of the Umma.

Joe Slavko said...

Allah is knowing of all things, "even unto the leaves that rustle on the tree." Therefore, the dummy is part of his creation.

K.McEgan said...

That would create some sort of wooden Islamic Golem.By the way that is a Bull on the following post not a cow!City Boy.

Joe Slavko said...

That is a bull-dyke, so technically a cow.

K.McEgan said...

Why can't I follow this as with all other blogspot blogs?

Joe Slavko said...

How do you follow all other blogspot blogs? What do they do that this one doesn't?

K.McEgan said...

There is a thingy that says "Follow this blog" and one clicks it and then EVERY entry flashes up on logging in.Cool.

Joe Slavko said...

You have to manually add the blog yourself at the "dashboard", it seems.