Fishing Harbour

I used to live in a house overlooking the picturesque fishing harbour of Newlyn. Every year, tourists flocked there from all over the world to take photographs of the village and its environs. There was (probably still is) much to see pleasing to the eye: The dozens of colourful fishing boats, the busy fishermen, and, of course, the many varieties of fish being unloaded. The sights also attracted artists. One often saw painters standing at their easels, attempting to immortalise the scenery in oils or watercolours.

All of this has set me thinking, though. Basically, the function of a fishing harbour is to land fish, process them, and then send them on elsewhere to be sold and eaten. In many respects, it mirrors the functions of an abattoir. So why is that abattoirs don't attract tourists, photographers, and artists, whereas fishing harbours do?

I think the problem is that abattoirs and their personnel lack aesthetic appeal. The abattoir buildings tend to be unimposing brick edifices, while the people who work there are dowdy cunts dressed in featureless white. But this would be so easy to change.

In my opinion, abattoir lorries should be painted in bright colours, and be given individual names like, "Beef Buggy", "Bloody Entrail", and "The Skewered Gizzard." They should all be encouraged to "land" their cargoes of cattle, sheep, and pigs simultaneously. This would ensure that the whole abattoir area became a sudden mass of colour. People from all over would bring their families to watch the animals being killed.

Abattoir employees themselves should be encouraged to dress in woolly pullovers, wear earrings, acquire tattoos, and talk total gibberish. Special pubs should be set up alongside the abattoirs, with names like "The Aberdeen Angus", "The Slaughterman's Arms," and "The Bull Castrator's Rest." There, the slaughtermen and drivers could get properly pissed after a hard day's butchering, and tell each other tall tales of the heifer that got away and of run-ins with quota-busting Spanish slaughtermen out in the treacherous reaches of the A37. It would also be a good idea to liberally scatter entrails all over the place. This would encourage vultures to gather. Vultures look far more impressive than seagulls, and so would attract lots of tourists.

If my ideas were to be implemented, town and villages with abattoirs would become "in" holiday destinations, thus boosting their economies. There could be a few problems, however. For example, if there was a storm on the M40, it's conceivable that one of the more unlucky abattoir lorries could be lost in it with all hands. But that's a small price to pay for enhanced aesthetic appeal.