Matching Pair

Men are often very remiss when it comes to planning the interior of their homes. Having taken a great deal of care selecting appropriate wallpaper, furniture, and paintwork, they sometimes spoil the whole effect by choosing a totally inappropriate woman; one that simply does not match the rest of the decor. It's like putting fluffy dice in a Rolls Royce or a sommelier in McDonalds.

In my opinion, there should be advice on paint tins and rolls of wallpaper, saying exactly what sort of woman goes best with the contents. For example, a tin of peach emulsion would say, "Best combined with a late 20s sophisticated brunette." Black matt, on the other hand, would probably advise, "Ideally matched with a teenage slapper wearing scarlet lipstick and a slit skirt."

It might actually be an idea for DIY shops to start marketing matched pairs, in much the same way that Marks & Spencer sell matched shirts and ties. So in other words you'd be able to buy a roll of wallpaper, or a set of kitchen tiles, together with a complementary woman. For those men with no style sense – and there are, unfortunately, many - it would be cheaper and safer than sourcing each separately and finding out, too late, that they clashed.

Of course, a major problem here is that women can often deteriorate faster than furniture or paintwork, and are somewhat more difficult to refurbish when they do. Unless you want to go to the expense and effort of replacing the lot, the only sensible solution is to keep the old one in the shed during the day, and only bring her out at night when the light's too dim for anyone to really notice.

I shall approach the MDs of all the major DIY chains with my idea and, hopefully, make a fortune.