Body Language

Cadmore End, Buckinghamshire

When a woman is interested in you sexually, she’ll signify the fact by making all sorts of small, subtle gestures. Lightly touching her hair, for example, gently licking her lips, exposing her wrists, and so on. Essentially, she's attempting to enhance her attractiveness. Usually, she’s unaware that she’s actually doing it, yet is nevertheless subconsciously communicating her desire with this body language.

As you can imagine, I get this rather a lot. Yesterday, however, on the train to High Wycombe, one particularly attractive young lady appeared to be laying it on with spades. Not only was she continually brushing back her hair, preening herself, and the usual, but, throughout the journey, she kept applying make-up such as eyeliner, lipstick and rouge until she began to resemble a model on the cover of a magazine. (The fact that she mentioned to her companion that she was on her way to a portfolio shoot is neither here nor there. The important thing is that she obviously lusted after me.)

There is one thing that worries me, though: If a woman is prepared to go to these lengths to express her lust for me, how much further might others go in order to outdo both her and one another, and what could the consequences be? Might I get on a train tomorrow, for instance, to find women, not just unconsciously preening themselves in front of me, but unconsciously injecting themselves with Botox, too? Or maybe even performing minor plastic surgery on themselves, like dermabrasion and face lifts? Indeed, they could go further and opt for complete body restructuring, with extensive plastic surgery and liposuction.

If this does happen, then trains will have to become sterile environments with medical equipment and nursing staff onboard. Consequently, they’ll no doubt be run by the NHS. As a result, anyone wanting to travel a short distance from, say, London to Windsor will have to go on a lengthy waiting list. But would anyone want to when there’s a risk of catching MRSA and other super-bugs during the journey? The only way to get a clean train and “jump the queue” and travel when you want to travel will be to board a BUPA train. Even here, however, you’ll first have to book an appointment with your GP who’ll then refer you to a private Consultant who, in turn, will refer you to the appropriate rail operator.

Or maybe not. People who say they want to travel to places like Liverpool or Birmingham will probably be sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act. And quite right, too.

All this because I am irresistible to women.