Monday, January 11, 2010


You often hear the expression “He worked like a Trojan.” This is meant to be a good thing, implying that the person being discussed laboured greatly and accomplished much. It suggests, too, that Trojan employment agencies were very busy places and, by contrast, the dole queues in Troy very short. (With an overall DHSS bill the lowest in Antiquity, no doubt.)

When you think about it, however, history shows us that the most successful Trojans were, in fact, the lazy ones. Take, for example, Laomedon, son of King Ilus. When instructed to build walls for his city, he said, “Suck my dick! I will not!” Instead, he employed the gods Poseidon and Apollo to do it for him. In fact, such a good job did these two deities do – far better than Laomedon himself could have managed - that the city was then able to endure several years of siege by the Greeks during the subsequent war. Then, of course, there was Paris. When ordered to go out and fight Achilles to the death, he said, instead, “Fuck that. I can’t be bothered. I'll just shoot him in the heel with an arrow and see what happens.”

Given all of this, it really makes you wonder what would have happened if only the lazy Trojans had prevailed throughout. Had they said, for example, “Kiss my arse. I'm not dragging that fucking massive wooden horse inside. It can stay outside the fucking walls as far as I’m concerned.” How differently history might have turned out.

I imagine Troy would have endured, and Aeneas wouldn't have gone on to help found Rome. Thus we would have been spared Heinz Spaghetti, polenta, and Fiats. Also, the best-selling condom in America would probably be called a Greek, rather than a Trojan, thus forcing prostitutes who engage in anal sex to find another term for what they’re offering.


Anonymous said...

I defer to your greater knowledge of condoms and anal sex. Batty boy. Tek de shame.

Joe Slavko said...

Yet again you stand in awe of my EXTREME HETEROSEXUALITY, like a child with his nose pressed forlornly against the window of a sweet shop. Accept the fact: Some of us have it, some - yourself, for example - DO NOT. Tek de shame, as you would say.

Anonymous said...

It is like weightlifting as you rightly say. Some of us (not you) can leg press 500 kgs. Half a ton. Some (you) are fit only for the water cooler and puppy dog eyes at Chrissie as she checks out the short but powerfully built ex-bouncer.