Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tourette's Syndrome

One of the more disturbing aspects of Tourette's Syndrome, at least as far as onlookers are concerned, is that, for no apparent reason and out of nowhere, the sufferer can come out with a string of obscenities and swearwords, aimed at no-one in particular. So, for example, he'll be sitting next to you on the train or bus and then, all of a sudden, will loudly shout "Fuck! Cunt! Shit", and so forth. Naturally enough, this can be most off-putting for many people. I am able, however, to offer a simple, low-cost solution:

Everyone who suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome should have a mobile phone permanently affixed to his or her ear when out in public. Then, people will simply assume that all their obscenities are directed at the person on the other end of the line and therefore think no more of it. Indeed, they might even join in.

That said, what happens when a Tourette’s suffer actually is talking to a total cunt over the phone? Does he suddenly moderate his language and change his “fucks” and “wankers” into “fiddle-de-dees” and “twits”? And, for that matter, what of those of us of normal mental balance who just happen to be having a telephone conversation with a complete arsehole and are therefore compelled to use the requisite swear words? Witnessing this, some people might jump to the wrong conclusion and assume we’re suffering from Tourette's. (This is especially a risk if you have one of those poofy hands-free mobiles which are concealed in the pocket.) What to do?

I'd say that, if, like me, you routinely have to talk to lots of total cunts and wankers, you should cut your losses. In other words, before every telephone call, you should sit on park bench or a seat in a railway station, down a can of Tennent's Super or similar, and shout, "I'm going to fuck you sister, you cunt bastard!" at everyone who passes by. Then, your subsequent expletive-filled telephone conversation will go unremarked. Indeed, some people may even feel sorry for you and, if you've got a polystyrene cup and a dog to hand, donate a couple of quid, which would help defray the cost of both the call and the line rental.


Anonymous said...

Do you have Pay As You Go? An indispensable tool in the far lefts take over. Swearing a la Tourettes is in fact, the national language of the Chav. Spoken throughout sink estates and Huntingdonshire it has an easy to learn vocab & no irregular verbs. So go fucking learn Chav!

Montesqusmith said...

Unfortunately, one must disagree with Mdp. Swearing is a national pass-time and as such, grants should be made available from the national fucking heritage to ensure that it is integrated more fully into everyday discourse.

Nonetheles, swearing, must be conducted in an appropriate manner. There are rules that should be maintained. For instance, should one encounter an individual suggesting "Me ma's fuckin me uncle with a strap on up the apples and pears innit" - that is entirely inacceptable. The use of the word innit and cockney phraseology is clearly a restricted code that requiring removal from our wonderous twatting language. If, alternatively an individual claims:

"My mother is currently fucking my uncle and aunty with psychotic ferocity with a black latex ribbed double ended strap on, within the th 1st bedroom on the left hand side of the 4th floor of the east wing.The slag!" That would be acceptable and almost admirable. Clearly the sentence would be a tad long and depending on how you approach the bedroom there are questions marks on the validity of the directions. But you get my drift.